We've grown up with the notion that our soulmate should be so compatible with us, it's as if they come equipped with a sensor to read our minds.
We believe we don't have to communicate with our partner because they already know what we want. Think again!
Where NOT to start?
If you believe that simply saying, "We need to talk," it will immediately make your partner willing to talk and clear things up, let me tell you, it's quite the opposite.
This phrase has frightened thousands of people around the world in a relationship. Instantly, our bodies go into alert mode, and we start getting defensive because we feel endangered and attacked.
So, if you're about to discuss something with your BAE, especially if it's about money, believe me, they will run if you start with that phrase.
Not talking about it
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So...Should I just not talk? It's not about that. Communication in a relationship is a fundamental pillar and goes beyond whether or not we talk.
It has a lot to do with what is said and how it's said. In other words, the way it's conveyed and the context in which it's conveyed.
For example: Saying " You're a fool " with an angry face and yelling is not the same as saying it with a seductive and mischievous look.
On the other hand, saying, " You're a mess, always overspending, don't you see we don't have the money! " is different from saying, " Honey, again? Be more careful with your purchases, you' "ve repeated the same things twice, and we can't afford to overspend, that's why we need a list ."
See the difference? That's why it's important to pay attention to the way we communicate with our partner.
Reflecting on what happened can change with empathy, from feeling attacked, to understanding what could be improved.
Where to start?
So, how do I start working on having better communication with my partner?
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That's where assertive communication can help you and your partner have a better understanding of each other… Mmmh… ASSERTIVE?
What is assertive communication?
When we talk about assertiveness, it's a way of standing up for yourself in a calm and positive way without being aggressive or accepting wrong in a passive manner.
In this case, how you express yourself to your partner so that they correctly understand what you want to say.
Practicing assertiveness will help us express our needs in the relationship, as well as understand our partner's.
Being assertive will nourish the relationship, allowing us to express our point of view and improving our communication as a couple.
How to talk about money with your partner?
Here are 4 keys to apply assertive communication with your "better half" when you talk about money.
1. Express your appreciation for their qualities
You likely appreciate certain qualities or actions of your partner (something about their appearance, character, personality, something they say or do, etc.).
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Being thankful with each other will help you know that you're being appreciated.
Verbally expressing or otherwise what we appreciate about our partner is good for both of you, as you both will feel better.
❌Change: " I'm glad you're very meticulous; it helps us understand where we spend the most. "
✅Instead, say: “ I love that you're enthusiastic; you motivate me to achieve our goals. "
2. Accept expressions of affection and compliments
Your partner might also express their appreciation for you. Don't doubt their sincerity; just because you don't believe it doesn't mean the other person doesn't believe it so.
Accept expressions of affection and compliments naturally.
Knowing how to accept compliments is important, as dismissing them can condition our partner not to give them in the future.
"I don't know how you do it, but you make the money for food stretch."
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❌Change: “I'm lucky,' or 'Don't think it was easy, I had to fight for that price. "
✅Instead, say: “ Thank you, I'm glad. "
3. Explain what you think or feel and avoid generalizations (like ALWAYS, NEVER, ALL THE TIME), propose a solution where both participate.
Clearly state what you think or how you feel, whether positive or negative, but always with respect for the other. There's no better way for your partner to understand you than by showing your emotions.
Don't assume your partner will know how you feel, no matter how long they've "known" you.
Over the years, we can understand and understand each other, but if we want them to know what's going on, it's best to say it without expecting the other person to infer it.
❌Change: " You always leave me with the car expenses, always... "
✅Instead, say: “I find myself covering the car expenses more often than I'd like, and it's overwhelming. How about we set up a budget and allocate an equitable amount?"
4. Be careful with accusations
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It's easy to get carried away by anger and blame our partner for how we feel.
Ask yourself: “Would you like to be accused of something before having the slight knowledge of something going wrong, or a chance to defend yourself?”
So, to avoid this mistake in communication and confrontations that lead nowhere, it's best to:
Ask questions instead of making accusations.
❌Change: “ You're a mess, more and more, you spend money on pure nonsense, you're a compulsive shopper and you're going to drive us to ruin. "
✅Instead, say: "I've noticed that you've been buying more lately. Is everything okay?"
Conclusions
Finally, remember that maintaining an assertive communication with your partner does not guarantee the absence of arguments and problems, but it makes it easier to understand them with mutual respect that will gradually build up.
Although applying it may be a bit tiring at first, believe me that, in the future, it has great benefits and you will be an unstoppable couple.
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